Everyone makes New Year’s resolutions. This year I decided to make up a list of resolutions other people should follow, since I can’t seem to keep any of my own. Maybe I should set my sights lower, though I still have hopes I can become king of a small island nation populated with young, beautiful female swimsuit models. Here are a few I’d like to see. Only one each, and fulfilling them would certainly make the world a better place in my book:

Charlie Sheen – Realize that “Beyond the Law” was just the title of a movie you were in.

Sarah Palin – Stop writing books and try reading one for a change.

Joe Lieberman – Find a party you like and stick with it.

Barak Obama – Give up on those cancerous, white, death merchants. You know: Republicans.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – Look for a job in which the last thing you see won’t be a mob of 10 million Iranians calling for your head.

Angelina Jolie – Adopt an American kid, for Christ’s sake.

Madonna – Ditto.

Rush Limbaugh – Ask yourself whether the money you make is worth ruining everything America stands for.

Dick Cheney – More shooting lawyers, less shooting your mouth off.

Tiger Woods – No matter how difficult it may be, try to find happiness and satisfaction with only fame, a billion dollars, and your Swedish model wife.

Hugh Hefner – Lose the pajamas. Unless you have Alzheimer’s, you shouldn’t show up for interviews looking like grandpa trying to find his teeth in the morning.

Did I miss anyone? Suggestions are welcome.