A HalfSquare’s Thoughts on Christmas
• Things you heard at Christmas when you were a kid sound perverted when you’re an adult. Santa sees you when you’re sleeping. He’ll be coming down your chimney. Don we now our gay apparel. O come all ye faithful. Were you a naughty little girl? Sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.
• Now that both my kids are over 21, they ask for fewer presents. Unfortunately the gifts they ask for are usually much more expensive. Like a down payment on a house.
• My wife and I no longer have to worry about getting woken at 5:30 Christmas morning by the happy squealing of kids who want to open presents. We’re old enough now that when we go to bed we worry we won’t wake up. Ever.
• We think we’re so smart because we don’t believe in Santa Claus. Then we put our faith for retirement in Social Security.
• The only reason Black Friday is the biggest and busiest shopping day of the year is because we’re all too stupid to think, “Maybe I should avoid the crowds and go shopping on Saturday or Sunday.”
• More and more, people walking around the malls at Christmastime remind me of the zombies walking Monroeville Mall in Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead.”
• Every new Christmas music CD that comes out has the same dozen or so songs. Can’t we write some new ones? Anyone? Put your hand down, McCartney.
• If Louis Farrakhan did a Christmas CD, I doubt he’d include “White Christmas.”
• I’ve been married more than 30 years. Twice I got presents for my wife she actually liked. This year I’ll get her a gift card and that big, flat screen TV I’ve always wanted. I mean she’s always wanted. Yeah. That’s it. She.
• I don’t want to offend anyone by saying Merry Christmas. So if you pass me on the street, and I shout, “Fuck you, asshole!” you’ll know why.
