Gender Roles in a HalfSquare World, Part I

by Chris Savage
February 7, 2007

In a previous article, Gender Roles in a HalfSquare World, Part I, I talked about a "perfect storm" of influences that came together in the 1970s in the USA that had a tremendous impact on the gender roles of HalfSquares in society today. In this essay, I'll discuss the impacts the events of the 70s have had on the relationships we have with each other as men and women.

For us HalfSquare men, new relationships with women are fraught with peril and danger. It's not because women, as individuals, are so difficult to be with. The peril arises in trying to figure which woman you are with. Because gender roles have become so undefined, women come at you from all different perspectives.

When it comes to romance, some women appreciate a man who remembers chivalry, who opens doors for them, who pulls out their seats at a restaurant and then orders their food. They enjoy being treated special and treated, frankly, like they are fragile. Other women HATE this! I've dated women that became downright surly if I opened their car door for them. Hold open a door at the mall for some women and they'll practically bite your head off! HalfSquare men today have learned a special dance that they must do in the early stages of relationships where they slowly feel women out about how they enjoy being treated. You might start by holding open a door. Did that go okay? Did she thank you? Good. Next, you might find out what she would like to drink at the pub and order for the both of you. Did she act annoyed? Did she seem comfortable with that? A little more each time, always watching out for signs that you've gone too far.

What women perceive as attractive in men is variable as well. I'm not talking about physical appearance so much. Let's face it, George Clooney types will always have an edge on the rest of us. What I'm talking about here are the personality types women like in men. Some women still like a man who is forceful, dominant, and A-type all the way. These men are self-confident and don't require the consent of others to act or feel a certain way. But many women are more attracted to men who aren't afraid to show a more feminine side. I'm not talking totally effete men, just guys who maybe don't hunt or watch endless sports or aren't afraid to watch a romantic comedy. This is dicey territory for men because expectations of other men are often quite different from the women in our lives and men who aren't stereotypical in the male sense are generally ridiculed from an early age by the other men around them. Even many women struggle with this dichotomy. While women may appreciate a man who isn't a "typical guy," they aren't always as physically attracted to these types of men. I'm telling you, it's a minefield!

HalfSquare women experience uncertainty in their gender roles as well. This often puts them into dual roles that have expectations from both. They are expected to work all day, come home and make dinner, keep the house clean, take care of the kids and then be a sexual dynamo in bed. Good luck!

Speaking of working all day, their roles in the workplace are in transition as well. Women now hold positions from cleaning lady to secretary to manager to CEO. No longer are women relegated to cleaning up after men and taking care of the niggling details of their lives like their dry cleaning or their wife's birthday present. But it's not always clear to some people what level a woman has risen to. Patricia Schroeder, a former congresswoman, tells the story of joining a law firm fresh out of law school. In a meeting on a top floor of a skyscraper, one of her firm's clients turned to her and placed an order for coffee. Biting her tongue, she rode the elevator down, got the coffee and then returned to the business meeting. Later the client discovered a several hundred dollar charge on their bill from the event. Sending high-paid lawyers for coffee isn't cheap!

Women in leadership roles know all too well about how gender roles are a double-edged sword for them. The very characteristics that make for a good manager are often the same characteristics that will get them labeled "bitch" or "ball-breaker." They just can't win!

Things aren't much clearer in the bedroom. While men may brag about how much they enjoy women who are sexually assertive, women are never quite sure about that. The same men who claim they want women to be sexually forward are then turned off by women who come on to them, perhaps thinking them as "easy" or, even worse, "slutty." Portrayals of women in our media and entertainment don't help with these stereotypes at all. Sexual gender roles for HalfSquare women are as confused as any of the others.

HalfSquare couples who do end up together aren't completely off the hook. Dual careers, decisions about having children and our individual roles within the marriage continue to vex us. No matter how liberated they are, men are often still uncomfortable with a spouse who makes more money than them. Men who elect to stay home with their kids are still called "Mr. Mom" as if being a full-time parent is somehow immasculating. Women who try to have a career and a family are judged critically by society as an inadequate parent. Who cooks? Who cleans? Who decorates? Who takes out the garbage or mows the lawn? Without the well-defined roles of days past, things aren't so clear cut and it's easy for resentments to build-up.

So, here we are, stuck in the middle yet again. Not completely tied to the stereotypical gender roles of our parents, not completely free from these roles as is more common with our kids. HalfSquare dating rituals are a delicate dance with each person trying to figure out where they stand, how they should act and what is expected of them. HalfSquare marriages actually require us to talk to each other and discuss our roles in the partnership.

Somehow we have to muddle through, find our space and then find a partner who is comfortable with that. Maybe the best thing we can do is recognize these conflicts that exist and be understanding that it's not always easy being HalfSquare!

Sometimes, it's downright confusing.