I don't need "I do"

by Carrie Randall
August 15, 2008

Pretty much everyone I know has gotten married recently or will be hitched in the next couple months. I guess I am just at that age. Of course, wedded bliss is a wonderful thing and I am infinitely happy for my friends that have found their one and only. It has been a great honor to be part of their special days and to support them throughout their relationships. I'll be honest, I LIKE going to weddings, and I look forward to all the little nuances that make each celebration a little different. But, (you knew there had to be a "but" coming, right?) these life-changing events bring with them one inevitable hurdle for the happily unmarried, the dreaded question: "When are YOU guys finally going to get married??"

Those of you out there who identify with my position probably cringe a little, either because you are often on the receiving end of this statement that makes you somehow feel inadequate, as if you're not living up to society's expectations, or because you've become extremely sick and tired of repeatedly explaining to people (sweetly of course) that your relationship is in good straits and that said relationship doesn't need to change legally to be official and that you have talked about it, but it is just not time yet, etc... This is, I believe, a largely male point of view, but like most of my viewpoints, I think I'm on the guys' side here. And I am not the only female who feels this way.

Why do so many women feel as though they do not need marriage in their life? That is like asking why so many women feel as though they are incomplete without it. Society pressures us all to hold on to the stereotypes and expectations of a complete life-cycle and dammit, that is too much for some of us to take. My good friend Lisa is constantly on the warpath to find a man to marry. She finds lots of them. Good ones. But are they good enough? On she goes to the next one, and the feeling that her life will never be whole or happy.

Then there's me. I never minded dating - I think it is a great time. Actually, I would feel annoyed every time a guy "tricked me" into becoming his girlfriend. If it ever got too serious, I would find a way out because I did not like feeling tied down, but somehow I always ended up in relationships that lasted a long time. Lisa and I's behavior may be indicative of our culture and the insanity it causes in a woman's mind when she hears that word: marriage.

Weddings are one of the biggest insanity-causing culprits. A typical American wedding today is a $27,000 (not including rings or honeymoon) affair that boasts details of extravagance that many do not even notice. Why is this tradition considered a "right of passage" or a necessity? On top of merely deciding whether you LOVE someone and want to spend the rest of your LIFE with them, now you must go into debt and make some VERY important decisions (sense the sarcasm here):

• holy spend-a-fortune Batman vs. Scrooge McDuck and the list of "priorities" that we could spend this money on: So you want impress all your friends and you want to make sure that everything is high-end. That's wonderful, but will your wedding guests notice if the flower girl's bow is silk or satin? Will they notice if your invitations are embossed instead of letterpressed? And how much money and time will you spend making these decisions?

• build up after going to so many (very similar) weddings: I understand that there are "staples" of wedding tradition, but when did Americans decide that there is a format we must stick with and customs we must all endure during a wedding reception, even if not one of them is original? My expectations of my own wedding have been built up to an unrealistic point because I do not want my celebration to be another cookie-cutter, traditional wedding. Therefore, I will wait. I will wait until I can afford to build a mansion on 10 acres of lakefront property where I will hold my wedding ceremony and reception with 853 guests. Might as well wait, because it has all been built up too much to settle for less. Which brings me to my next point:

• unique (unrealistic) ideas and add some Mickey Mouse ears while we're at it: Ok, so now you have seen the light and realized that, yes, you can eat too many white, lacy wedding cakes and dance to "Shout" too many times in your life. You are ready to plan your own wedding and it will be one of a kind because you said so. This is why an acquaintance of mine decided to have a Disney wedding. Sure, princess, fireworks and a castle all sound promising, but even that was too mundane for her tastes. She ensured that no one else would ever have a similar wedding by walking down the aisle in Mickey Mouse ears. Really, I cannot fault her. At least her wedding was not boring.

• my brother's wedding and the perfect couple: Sometimes some people need longer than others to be ready for marriage. I know many people, including myself, who have lived with their significant others for years, despite chides from society. Luckily, our living arrangement is one of the reasons we are still together. We learned to love each other and appreciate each others quirks. On the other hand, my brother met his wife and proposed less than 6 months later. They are still happily married with two children and they have never regretted it. They are perfect for each other. Some people are like my brother and others, like me, need longer to realize that they have found the right person and that they are ready to expand their lives to include a husband or wife.

• my mom's perspective on the "point" of marriage: Here I could get into a gigantic discussion on the Separation of Church and State and how marriage, marriage licenses, religion and legal benefits all play into the equation. This could become an entire book. Do not worry though, because all I would actually like to say is that there are many different points of view. Mine happens to be that if you believe in religion, you should have a religious ceremony. If you are not religious, do not feel pressure to include it. My mother will be very happy to hear that I probably will include some traditional elements of religion (not many) in my ceremony. Other points of view range from religious marriage to secular marriage to legal unions. And some of us do not have a choice in this matter. This also makes me wonder: is it more offensive to my gay friends if we do NOT get married because we're shunning the very right that they wish they could partake in? But I digress.

I believe in the bond of marriage. Luckily, I have a lot of happily married friends and my parents have been married for 37 years. I know that marriage is a wonderful thing for a lot of people. Eventually most of us will get married, for better or for worse (in some cases), but I was always one of those people who did not prioritize getting married. Maybe I thought I might never find the right person or maybe I did not want to give up the sense of freedom I had always felt when I could label myself "single." Or maybe...?

I read The Awakening for my AP English class in high school and maybe the idea of freedom and purpose has stuck with me ever since. A paraphrased Amazon.com synopsis on the book:

"..The Awakening begins at a crisis point in twenty-eight year-old Edna Pontellier's life. Edna is a passionate and artistic woman who finds few acceptable outlets for her desires in her role as wife and mother living in conventional society. Unlike the married women around her, Edna finds herself wanting her own emotional and sexual identity. During one summer while her husband is out of town, she feels energized and filled with a desire to define her own life. She sends her children to the country and removes herself to a small house of her own: "Every step she took toward relieving herself from obligations added to her strength and expansion as an individual. She began to look with her own eyes; to see and apprehend the deeper undercurrents of life. No longer was she content to 'feed upon the opinion' when her own soul had invited her." Her triumph is short-lived; however, destroyed by a society that has no place for a self-determined, unattached woman. Her story is a tragedy and one of many clarion calls in its day to examine the institution of marriage and women's opportunities in an oppressive world."

Yes, I realize that today is hardly the "oppressive world" of Edna's 1899 life, but I do not believe that any woman - feminist or conservative, outgoing or recluse - feels as though she has complete control over her own life. Over the years I have learned that marriage can be as freeing as it can be binding and that once a person is truly ready for the Big Plunge, it can be rewarding, exhilarating and wonderful. I guess it took me until now to get it.