Advertising Schemes I Jotted In The Margins Of My Notebooks During My Day Job Meetings

by Mark Morelli
October 6, 2006

You get to that point in life where 85% of the meetings you attend are just study halls and the doodles in your notebook margins reflect more on middle-aged, get rich pipe dreams.

Most self-respecting professionals tear out these pages and shred them. I share mine with you. Here are some of my sure-fire genius marketing ideas taken verbatim from my meeting notes.

A new book, Bandsaw for Dummies. Note: Be sure author's photo shows all ten fingers.

Book idea: Bobbing for Apples for Dummies. Pre-empt lawsuits by adding chapter, "Remove Head from Water."

Another book idea: Chicken Soup for the Chicken Soup Lover's Soul. Stories about chicken soup itself that make you feel good.

Pump-your-own gas stations are a success. How about a squeeze-your-own milk farm. That seems comical. Hey, another thought: Mergers save companies. Merge a struggling comedy club with a failing farm. Tonight, at the Funny Dairy Farm, Gilbert Gottfried at 9pm. Eggs $1.09 a dozen.

Eat-n-Park Restaurants are named backwards, but they're successful, so it must work. New franchise ideas: Hurl-n-Chug Brewery; Screw-n-Hug Dating Service. Next week, I'm pitching a new portable potty client, Wipe-n-Crap portable potties; Confess-n-Sin MRUs (Mobile Reconciliation Units.) Call Vatican.

"Bride Magazine: The Second Thoughts Issue," with articles like:
- Take a Quiz To See if Your Fiancé is Sensitive -- Or Just Immature.
- He Won't Lift a Finger Now? Just Wait till the Baby Comes.
- 101 Signs That Tell If His Ship Will Never Come In.
- Lose Your Deposit, Gain Your Freedom
- Before You Say "I Do," Say "I'll Have Lunch with His First Wife.

Here's a great franchise idea: The Pampered Jeff Party. Note: Research which percentages of Jeffs in the U.S. enjoy footrubs.

Advertisers overuse the phrase "one-stop shop." The planet Earth is your one-stop shop...for everything!

Create partnership between Metamucil and Viagra and call their product Humpty Dumpty. That's it -- gold mine! Sex and Regularity. Or is it Regularity and Sex? That's the dilemma...which one gets top billing?