A Review of Future Ambient Sounds Relaxation CDs

by Mark Morelli
June 15, 2005

Kids spend so little time in nature that they miss out on the innovative play that relieves stress, sharpens concentration and encourages creativity says Richard Louv in his 2005 book Last Child in the Woods. This detachment from nature is harmful, he says.

I agree. And when they do want to relieve stress, what kind of ambient-sound mood music CDs will they like? How will they use sound to trigger body-mind relaxation? Today s Sounds of the Trickling Brook or Tundra Winds will provide no comfort to nature illiterates. But these will:

Family Van Series: Volume I: Car Seat On The Interstate.
Experience a symphony of clasps, clicks and zips as you buckle in, then enjoy what one reviewer calls the "tidal hum of the tires, the cricket-chirp of turn signals, and the trumpeter-swan-like horns of passing freight trucks." Listen closely to hear the "great suburban grizzly" mother behind the wheel mutter the effword when cut off in traffic, followed by a sweet, plaintive, "Honey are you sleeping back there?"

Volume II: Soccer Practice & Errands.
From the micromanaging mother rattling off a list of commands that her children will never remember to the Bolero-like throbbing steadiness of the youngest brother saying, "Everyone, lookit! Everyone, lookit!" non-stop for 22 minutes. Nothing recreates the landscape of embarrassment better than hearing mom sing with the radio in front of the 11-year-old daughter and her friends. Rare recording bonus cut captures mom alone in the van softly sobbing softly while radio plays "True" by Spandau Ballet, her "song" with college boyfriend, now a chief surgeon in Denver.

Neighbors Series Volume I: Call of the Lugnuts.
Relax against a backdrop of the hillbillies next door arguing about how to replace an alternator on a '74 Bronco.

Volume II: Bickering Immigrant Upstairs Neighbors.
Can't understand a word? No matter, because vitriol is the same in every language! Bickering was so never so melodious than in this cavalcade of vicious yammering, with in Spanish, Italian, Chinese, Russian, Persion and Amish. (Note: Every argument began with snippy comments about no putting the TV remote back on the coffee table, except Amish argument, which started after husband sniffed at his morning toast to which his wife responded derisively, "Oh, so the butter isn't churned like thy mother's?

Volume III: Promiscuous College Roommate.
Nothing tickles the bula-bula bone like the sound of slap-and-tickle through drywall. Hear the couple in the next room enter, laugh, kick off their shoes, till finally you can appreciate the steady percussion of the headboard banging against the wall reminiscent of Ed Shaunessy, longtime drummer for the Tonight Show Band under Doc Severinson. Special bonus track provides awkward post-coital conversations as if heard through a water glass against the wall.

The Sounds of Asthma
Breathtaking global cruise through the seasons with wheezing and gasping from asthmatics from around the world in what one reviewer called, "Sublime acapella accordions."

Family Dinner
The sounds of clinking cutlery and plates over the distant backdrop of TV shows. Occasional one-syllable responses to perfunctory questions slightly punctuate this soothing CD sure to bring back many mealtime memories.

The Sounds of Whining Volume I: Ages 3-6.
Highlights include slow-building tantrum set off at dinner when one green bean accidentally touches the mashed potatoes.

Volume II: Ages 7-11.
Re-experience the treat of hearing youngsters tell you how passionately they hate every single food item that you serve.

Volume III: Ages 12-17.
It's a great age group that takes the time to remind you of how little you know about everything... from your thoughts on their swimwear to your views on appropriate movies, one thing's for sure, this bunch knows you're poorly informed.

Husband & Wife: The couple arrive home from their jobs.
For the ensuing 15 tracks, the wife tells the husband about her day while he says "mm-hmm" and turns the pages of the newspapers. (Track 17 features man flicking remote through barely audible 77 cable channels at one channel per second.)

That's all for this time. Next time I'll be reviewing Sounds of the Flu, Piano Lessons: The First Year, Sounds of the Dishwasher, and Awkward First Date.