Unleashing My Inner Grouch

by Mark Morelli
May 16, 2006

"Are you excited?" my daughter asked me.

I couldn't imagine what she was talking about. It could be anything. I proofread coupons and sales flyers for a living, so to me finding a double-yolk egg is a national holiday.

"The dog," she said.

Ah, yes. In three days we'd be getting a dog. I harrumphed.

Maxed Out on Responsibility
I don't speak for all halfsquares when it comes to dogs, but I can safely say that many of us have reached an age where we are maxed on out things to be responsible for.

We already have cats, so a dog just means another unguarded border in the battle of keeping the carpet unsoiled. Attention, we're on yellow alert! I also imagined the one time of day that I still own, the early morning, means I'd have to put the dog out to relieve itself on my yard.

Leave Me Alone At My Caffeine Shrine
It's my personal time, where the only sounds I hear are wintry howls, spring birds, and the gurgle of my coffee pot. In fact, that coffee pot has been my constant companion for longer than any dog, and it kicks into gear by itself without me having to do a thing. The early morning gurgle and drip of a coffee pot is preferable to the early morning gurgle and drip of a dog.

Pause now while you consider if this essay is about A.) How annoying dogs can be, or B.) How annoying a once-groovy dude can become under the demands of family responsibilities and a mid-life career proofreading sales flyers and coupons.

I'd Wag My Tail If I Wasn't So Busy Giving the Finger
"It's not about the dog, it's about you," said my shrink. "The dog is carefree, loving, bouncy and happy, and you resent it because it's a life you no longer live," he said. Actually, no shrink said that, because I'm too cynical to go to one, too much of a scowling know-it-all to bother, since I know what he's going to say anyway. He'd be right. My little girl asked, "Are you excited?" as a rhetorical question because who wouldn't be thrilled out of his skull because we're getting a dog! We're getting a dog! A dog! A dog! A dog! My wife and I both enjoyed dogs as pets when we were kids. She said, "We can't let the girls grow up not knowing what it's like to have a dog." "If we want them to experience our childhood, why not cancel cable and let them watch three snowy stations," I offered.

And Then Along Comes Amy
The mother of our good friend Jess passed away. She was a spirited, funny lover of life, and she left behind two dogs she'd rescued a few years before. She was a passionate animal advocate and was ahead of her time in founding shelters. To animals, Jan was a bastion of hope and love. At her wake, her schnoodle, Amy, jumped on my lap and remained there for as long as I'd let her, longer than even my children would sit quietly.

My wife and daughters fell in love with Amy and agreed to take her a week later. I really, really didn't want any more unnecessary responsibilities, I knew I didn't stand a chance. Technically, the family wanted unanimous acceptance. Having been through months of working late, getting whammed on taxes, and feeling tense and out of shape, I made them promise what I thought was a major concession, but now seems like the petty indulgence of a middle-aged grump.

They promised I would still have my morning gurgling coffee and reflection time to myself. I had truly maxed out on responsibilities and was not about to delete any file space to go watch a dog's pee steam in the early dawn.

And now Amy has been with us for a few days. She is calmer, quieter and more congenial than most dogs, which is a godsend because I hear enough yapping all day from people. We took a walk, and she trotted along beside me, hardly barking back to all the thug dogs in the neighborhood.

If This Works, I'll Lick the Whole World's Face
In realizing that Amy's sweetness is a living tribute to the kindness she was shown by Jess's mother I realized my wife is right. Our girls should know what it's like to love and be loved by a dog. And maybe, just maybe, our girls would become all that much better because of Amy, and that will be a tribute to us. I'm still not excited, but I am moving toward considering thinking about allowing myself to be.