What Station's the Telethon On? Why, the Coffee Station!

by Mark Morelli
May 1, 2007

When you work in an office, every trip to the coffee station is like attending a telethon.

Next to the coffee, there's a written invitation for you to take a candy bar and drop a dollar or two into a nearby envelope so you can "Help Jessica Kirby, St. Barnabus 7th Grader, Raise Money For Band Camp."

Jessica? Saint Barnabus? Kirby?

Ohhhhh...that must be Doug Kirby in IT, a face you don't recall but you recognize the d_kirby from emails about how the server will be down tomorrow morning between three and six a.m.

So Kirby's kid is raising money for band camp. Once in awhile the kid will hand write in adorable childish scrawl a plea to "Help me go to camp!" which is a nice touch next to the box of chocolate bars. It's not quite "personal," but I'm not complaining, because if for they trotted the kid right up to my cubicle, where my defenses are already down because it's the one place on earth where I feel totally trapped with no escape, I'd overspend in guilt.

But even hand scrawled sales pitches are becoming rare. d_kirby himself could write that sales pitch/plea on a word processor with a font that comes pretty close to Jessica's childish scrawl. Technology makes it possible for Jessica Kirby to miss not a second of Nick-at-Nite and still meet her fundraising goals.

What's shocking is that in a business atmosphere, where all activity is driven by numbers, that more of our professional colleagues do not use this technique to meet goals of their own.

If selling candy can get Jessica to camp, it can also "Help Jeanine in Accounting Add On a Deck."

Is Jeanine's request simply a PC euphemism for a boob job? No one knows for sure but the lunchroom conjecture causes intrigue and for many, a rare reason to be happy it's Monday, not to mention a buzz that makes this particular charity cause du jour.

On the bright side, anytime you improve the life of someone with whom you work, everyone benefits. For instance, who doesn't win when you "Buy This Gourmet Popcorn & Send Tom Wilkinson to Anger Management."

Or "Every Gift Wrap Purchase Helps Defray the Costs of Larry's Ugly Divorce So He Won't Be So Angry When Creating Next Year's Travel Budget."

And then, once the travel budget is restored, and you're back out on the road traveling first class, you may have a few drinks at the hotel lounge and learn that Larry's divorce was caused in part by Jeanine's new deck!