Etiquette as Power

by Mark Morelli
April 4, 2006

Indignation is Stimulating!
Some good friends of mine just moved to Ohio from the east coast where they had grown accustomed to life that goes a lot faster and less friendly.

I am now trying to warn them that Ohio friendliness is misleading. What comes across as jovial is really an oppressive responsibility to make small talk in public. If you say "hi" and someone doesn't say "hi" back, then you have a right to be offended, and indignation is stimulating!

A Lesson from the Bush Administration
Rather than walk briskly past people without making eye contact, they will be forced to nod their heads, say hello and perhaps even talk about the weather. I have recommended to them to follow the lead of the Bush administration. If they should frequently encounter neighbors or fellow pedestrians who continually insist on stopping and "chit-chatting," they should do a pre-emptive strike, engaging them in conversation so weird that the "friendly neighbor" will never bother them again.

(Or you could give everyone chummy nicknames, smile to their face, but smear them behind their back. They'll get word of it and leave you alone.)

Or, Go From Friendly to Creepy
For instance, let's say my buddy goes out walking the dog and runs into a chatty retiree who wants to talk about the weather. I recommended that my friend make small talk, then suddenly wink and say in a Clint Eastwood whisper, "I could talk about cumulus clouds all day...care to take this to your place?"

What's So Wrong About People Being Nice?
I know what you're thinking. Ohioans are just friendly, howdy-do people. Friendliness is part of being a good neighbor, a solid citizen, even a child of God. If someone holds open the door for me, it's not because my arms I can't do it myself. It's just a nice gesture.

This happens at work. At 8:30, there's a steady flow of dozens of my colleagues swarming into the building. We park in a lot then approach the building, crossing the street, and entering through the front door. Not long ago, I walked toward the building and I noticed, from across the street, a woman was waiting at the door, holding it open for me.

Oh my God, she's waiting for me, and I'm just sauntering along like it's Sunday in the park.

I Dance to the Puppeteer
So I had to pick up the pace, jog across the street like I was catching a bus! Meanwhile, this colleague of mine, a woman I'd seen in the halls once in a while but who didn't know me, was smiling and waiting with the door open.

"Coming," I said and took long bounds, even puffing a little. "Thanks."

"No problem," she said. (I hate that no problem has replaced you're welcome, by the way.) "I'm not in a hurry."

She made it sound like she was waiting on me!

Control freak! Power monger! Corporate puppeteer! She got me to change my behavior and run to the door.

"Apparently not," I said with a smile (something I picked up in Ohio.) Lucky I didn't have to stop and tie my shoe."

"You're wearing loafers," she said.

"That wasn't polite," I mumbled after I opened the next door for her and she entered.