I Am Not Even One-Fourth Square!

by Mark Morelli
February 1, 2006

What am I doing writing for Halfsquare??!! I've been seduced by the promise of literary riches, tricked into thinking I'm not cool anymore.

Well, I'm not going to let some aging former hipsters project their squaredom out onto me. I almost fell for it, but now, just in the nick of time, I paddle my way out of this murky swamp of squaredom to the sunny shores of suave.

I am 100% unadulterated cool. No phosphates. No fat. All fly.

And it's not because I'm into hip-hop and downloading the latest music and...well...don't expect me to name-drop whatever the kids are doing these days, because guess what: Kids aren't cool anymore!

Youth predictable, spoon-fed their faux hipness by snakecharmer marketing sellout millionaires that these young people are no longer the arbiters of what's happening. They're dancing on puppet strings controlled by Madison Avenue, Hollywood and the Silicon Valley.

The entire definition of hip has changed. Cool is someone who:
- Reads the Op-Ed page.
- Watches C-Span.
- Sorts laundry while watching C-Span.
- Ranks favorite C-Span hosts while sorting laundry.
- Can't believe how much money is wasted on missing socks while sorting laundry.
- Composes mental first drafts of invective letters to the editor about the high cost of home heating fuel.
- Warns younger female co-workers that they better check their automotive fluids.
- Gathers the family to behold how "now this is the right way to organize a garage!"
- Checks lunchboxes each night to see if any of the food he paid good money for and packed the night before has been half-eaten or wastefully thrown away.
- Compares the experience of cleaning the litter box to men in the Depression filling the furnace with coal.
- Selflessly lets kids win playing math flash cards.
- Compares the experience of running out late at night for milk or Dimetapp to pioneer men hunting bear.

What you just read is all true! But you ever see any news stories about such people in the corporate-controlled media because it's easier for them to rake in billions selling "hip" products to kids who'd rather spend their money on so-called fun things than, say, really cool certificates of deposit.

Attention news giants: Your jig is up, and so is Halfsquare's, because I've just broke the story and everyone now knows that it's you readers who are really the fully coolest of them all.