It's Hipper To Be HalfSquare

by Paul Giles
October 6, 2006

I've been doing some thinking about what it is to be HalfSquare. As a bit of a nerd, being just half square is a step up in the evolutionary hip scale. I feel kind of like I would if hundreds of millions of years ago I was the second sea creature to make it from the oceans to the land, but in order to breath I needed my asthma inhaler. Sure, I made it out of the sea, but I'll never play football with the cool amphibians.

So yes, I'm at that age (54, by the way) where I'm half square, but to anyone with youth still dripping from their taut skin, dark hair and sexual vitality I'm on a fast train to death with a one-way ticket to Fogeyville. "Now leaving on Track Number 9 for Hemorrhoids, Indigestion, Corrective Lenses, Impotence, Arthritis, High Cholesterol and Coo...camanga! All aboard!" (See how pathetic? No young person would understand that train reference.)

For those of you who are wondering if you too are HalfSquare, I've compiled a list of those things that convinced me. If you recognize yourself, don't despair. There are a lot of us men and women out there, all trying to look cool with bad combovers, control-top pantyhose, hair dyes and cosmetic surgery. We're a pretty large club, and it ain't very exclusive.

1. Two things that go together: rocking out to that old music from Motown...and Motrin.

2. You can still have sex all night...but only because it takes you that long to get in the mood.

3. Your cell phone has more features than the Space Shuttle, but you only know how to send and receive calls. You tried to text message once but couldn't figure out how to punctuate it properly. You don't understand the text messages you've gotten bc the stpd brevs r 2 hard 2 read.

4. The music on your iPod is there only because your 9-year old uploaded the MP3s when you needed help.

5. You have no idea what MP3 stands for.

6. When someone makes a joke about an old fogey, you laugh, until it dawns on you that they were talking about you.

7. You derisively call Florida "God's Waiting Room," but have brochures on retiring to Arizona, which is now where God's receptionist sits.

8. Your Tivo begins recording nothing but reruns of "Matlock" and "The Golden Girls."

9. You're a lifelong Democrat but voted Republican after 9/11.

10. You think young actresses and actors like Jessica Alba or Brad Pitt are really hot, but so are old ones like Sharon Stone or Harrison Ford.

11. You write hip, cool articles like this every month, but only because you've got nothing better to do on a Saturday night.

Oh, yeah. I'm HalfSquare, all right.