Spam, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am

by Paul Giles
July 1, 2008

Here's a scary statistic. According to Barracuda Networks' Annual Spam Report, 95% of all e-mail whooshing through cyberspace is spam. It's not that percentage that worries me, though. What's terrifying is that there are so many people out there on computers stupid enough to make spamming worthwhile.

I really don't think I'm smarter than everyone else, just those who voted Republican in the 2000 and 2004 presidential elections. But how much intelligence does it take to look at the spam in your in-box and figure out that it's about as legit as a carnival game run by Al Capone? Just some of the subject lines from spammers in my inbox should raise red flags: "No more complains! Only big duck!" (I need large waterfowl in my sex life. My wife, Daisy Duck, says so.) AAA-Rep1ica Rolex at only $190!" (Wow! And only six other spammers sent the same message with the same subject line. Matter of fact, all these subject lines came in multiples.) "Pimp your one eye snake!" "The world's leading farmacy!" (No, that's how the world's leading pharmacy spelled it.) "All big tool are here!" (I'm assuming the people sending these have only a passing acquaintance with English.) "She likes getting slap on ass!" (How? By courier? I'm on a computer.) "Check out the nudist beach site!" (What is this  the 50s? Will there be naked volleyball?) And "Increase your man dignity!" (Not by answering this ad!)

Spammers only need a 1% response rate make a profit. Since there are about 183 billion e-mails sent each day, I figure P.T. Barnum was wrong  there's not a sucker born not every minute, but every nanosecond. If the one-eyed man would be king in the land of the blind, then even a one-neuron spammer can be rich in the land of the brainless.

It's been widely publicized, almost to the point of in utero warnings, that just opening an e-mail can cause your PC (though not Macs, like mine) to be infected by malicious codes. Yet apparently a lot of people are opening spam from people they don't know. These are the ones most likely to play Russian Roulette with a .44 semi-automatic. What I want to know is, who are these idiots, and what's going through their addled little brains? Luckily my active imagination, which usually gets me in trouble, allows me to speculate about the mental processes of the 1%. As such, here are some e-mails sent out by one of the suckers, which reveal why spamming is so profitable.

Dear Jim. What joy! After all these years of refusing to "go up-line," as the kids say, I've finally gotten a computer and an e-mail account! I suppose that after getting that cell phone for Christmas it was only a matter of time before the technological urge to expand out into cyberspace would overpower me. Now all I have to do is give my friends like you me e-mail address and communicate!

Dear Jim. The internet is a wonderful place! You can type any subject into something called a search engine, and it brings up hundreds of thousands of pages that give you information. Today I decided to do a bit of research into my hobby, so I typed in "hardwood toys." I began clicking on the links to read what they had to say. I had no idea that so many "hardwood toy" enthusiasts were really buff gay men who liked to pose naked for photos. I wanted to share techniques with them, but first I had to enter my name and e-mail address. What harm could it do?

Dear Jim. I've found so much other stuff on the Internet I never knew about. Did you know that JFK was actually killed by aliens? And how about that the Pope is really an Islamic terrorist who infiltrated the College of Cardinals years ago as a sleeper agent? Then there's Barack Obama being the secret love child of Bill Clinton. You just never know about some people. Oh, look! A genuine Mickey Mantle rookie card on e-bay for only $12.95! I bought 10. Can't wait for them to arrive.

Dear Jim. It's wonderful getting e-mails from my friends like you. But it's fantastic how my in box is filled with over a hundred messages every day! There are so many people out there concerned about me and the less fortunate. I got one about a little girl with a fatal disease who needs money. Every time someone passes along the e-mail, Bill Gates will donate 10¢ to her medical fund. I'm forwarding it to you and everyone in my address book. But I wonder how they got my e-mail address? I never sent it to them. I only give it out to people I know and to web sites I visit. I'd better ask the people I know if they're spreading it around.

Dear Jim. I've really got to decide which offer I'm going to take: the one from jerrod21 for those pills that will make my penis larger so I'll be able to satisfy any woman and make her beg for more, or the one from CandyCane that assures me I'll be able to meet hot, horny, lonely bisexual women who appreciate the quiet intellectual type. I suppose I should get the pills first, so the girls won't be disappointed in me. Of course, what if after taking the jerrod21's pills I'm too big for CandyCane's girls? Maybe they have pills for women that will make their "parts" roomier. That's a good thing, isn't it?

Dear Jim. Another 200 e-mails today. The ones selling Caribbean Lottery Tickets that are sure winners are very tempting. So are the ones from the financial experts who want to sell me stocks that are going to quadruple in price every two weeks. Then there's the urgent message from that government official in Nigeria, Mr. Cecil Mbwtwtana who needs my help moving $50,000,000 to the U.S. I'd get to keep $10,000,000. He sounds like an honest person, and he's so polite. I'd sure like to help him out, and that ten mil would be nice.

Dear Jim. I can't understand it. All the money I spent on those pills from jerrod21 and I still can't see any difference in my penis size. Every day I make a mark on the doorframe chart I made, and if anything I think it's getting smaller. I'm also having trouble urinating. It's possible they mean it'll be bigger when I get an erection, but I haven't been able to get one of those in a week. Even talking to CandyCane's girls for $3.99 a minute hasn't gotten a "rise" out of me. And speaking of CandyCane's girls, a couple of them have much deeper voices than their pictures would suggest. Maybe I've got a bad connection.

Dear Jim. My bank account has been looted. The person I talked to at the bank said it was probably Mr. Mbwtwtana, to whom I had to give my account information before he'd send the money he promised, but he's such a nice man. It must have been an unscrupulous bank employee who did it. But that's the least of my problems. My credit cards have all been maxed out through unauthorized charges. Not just my credit cards, either. There seem to be over 200 other credit cards floating around that have been taken out in my name. I have no idea how that could have happened. I never flash my credit cards around when I'm shopping. As a matter of fact, I usually just do all my shopping over the Internet. That way I'm alone in my office and no one can look over my shoulder to steal my number. It's a real mystery.

Dear Jim. I'm completely broke. Creditors are calling day and night. Meanwhile, I get over 600 e-mails a day offering me untold wealth, instant success, MBAs in a week, medical miracles and answers to my loneliness. I have to think of a way to get out of this mess, and do it quickly. Hmm. I think I have an idea.

Dear Friend. I am a government official in Nigeria who needs your help to transfer a large sum of money to your country, for which you will receive $10,000,000...