Don't Bank On It

by Paul Giles
June 23, 2006

I don't know what I did to my bank to deserve such kindness. Really. The letter they sent said it was for making all my car payments by their due dates. Hey, I try. Granted, each payment is pretty small. $332.85, a sum which through hard work, sacrifice and petty thievery I manage to accumulate each and every month, except when the kids find my wallet lying on the 15th century chiffonier by my bed. (I know what you're thinking, but it was an anniversary present. I don't even know what chiffonier means, though I'm sure it has something to do with lumberjacks, beer and violent sports.)

Maybe Fifth Third is one of those banks with a heart I've heard so much about. After all, they did give me the loan to buy my 2005 Ford Focus, which after only 162 more payments I will own outright. When the final check is mailed we'll celebrate with the customary burning of the promissory note along with whatever parts, scraps & pieces are left of the car.

The bank's proposition looked inviting. I was to be one of the chosen few who could "take advantage of this special Skip-a-Payment opportunity!" For a trifling fee of only $55.00 I could skip a monthly payment! That's right! Skip it! Wouldn't have to pay it! Forget it! Never happened! Talk to the hand! No pay, Jose! Hasta la kiss my ass, Baby! My imagination ran wild speculating on all I could do with an extra $332.85 minus the $55.00 fee. There was that quart of milk and loaf of bread I had been eyeing in the window of the corner convenience store, though that might have been too much of an extravagance. Maybe a little something for the car itself, which was, after all, partly responsible for the windfall. A full tank of gas? But where would I get the rest of the $500? Ah, perhaps a new bumper sticker declaring that "Writers Do It Between the Sheets!" How piquant!

Then the fine print hit me half-squarely in the eyes like a two-fingered jab by Moe Howard. By paying the fee I didn't really get to skip a payment. I'd only delay the payment until the end of the loan. Not only that, but the $55.00 wouldn't apply to the principal or interest of my loan. Top that off with a heaping helping of interest that would continue to accrue to the end of the loan and I felt the sudden burn of acid reflux welling up.

I went back to the top of the letter to reread their invitation. "As a way of saying thanks..." Thanks? This is the thanks I get for paying my bills on time? They charge me 55 simoleons to hit me with an extra payment plus a few years more interest? Hell, maybe you'd like a testicle for collateral too, Champ! What's that? I'll get charged a storage fee for each one until the loan is paid? What do you need mine for? You've got two of the biggest I've ever seen!

While I was steaming like a Maine lobster waiting for the butter to be drawn I checked my payment book. The slips always show your on-time and late payment amounts. There was the on-time number, $332.85. And below it was the late figure, $367.85. That meant if I just skipped a payment I would only get charged an extra $35.00! The interest would accrue, the same as if I had accepted Fifth Third's offer, but I would save $20.00! It was at this point I began to think Fifth Third may not have been acting in my best interest. This was a scam, one worthy of the Nigerian bank money transfer con or the Bush tax cut scheme.

I've noticed other bank loan money traps that have popped up recently. Mortgage lenders are rife with this sort of underhanded help. One such sucker bet is the two-a-month payment plan. Instead of making one payment a month, they'll graciously let you make two, thereby halving the time it takes to pay off your debt and, so they say, saving you money. In return for their generosity...you guessed it...there's a small fee. Now if you make two payments a month under this plan, you've doubled your monthly outlay. Here's what they don't tell you unless you have the Hubble Space Telescope focused on the fine print. The second payment does not go toward the principal. Like the first payment most of your cash goes to pay interest. But, you ask, don't you get to pay off your loan sooner? Well, yes, but why pay the bank a fee to double your monthly payments? If you send in an extra check each month in the amount of your regular mortgage, they'll not only accept it, but they'll apply the entire amount to your principal, thereby shortening your mortgage even more and actually cutting the interest you'll owe over the course of the loan. "As our way of saying thanks...bend over!"

It's deals like these that tell me why banks chain their pens to the counters. After getting ripped off by them for being good customers, the best we can do for payback is swipe a cheap ballpoint and hope a dye pack goes off accidentally inside a teller's cage.

I'm starting to wonder what would happen if other institutions take a leaf from the banks' ledgers and try to pull fast ones on us. I can only imagine the letters we'll be getting in the mail.

Dear Mrs. Swenson,
The Internal Revenue Service wants to personally thank you for doing all your Federal tax business with us! And to show you how grateful your old Uncle Sam is, we want to invite you to try our "skip-a-return" plan. That's right! You can choose to skip filing your return for one full year! Think what you can do with all that extra money! And it's all because you've been such a good taxpayer, always declaring the full amount of the tips you earn as a waitress while trying to support your six fatherless children, then sending most of those tips you'd need to put food on the table to us! All you have to do is send in the enclosed form with $55 and you won't have to file a return! Act now, because this is a limited-time offer!*

*I agree and understand that paying the $55 fee does not erase my obligation to pay the taxes I owe for the current year. That amount I will continue to accrue interest and penalties until it is paid. If the full amount is not paid, with interest and penalties, within 3 years I will be dragged from my small two-room apartment in front of my traumatized children to a federal penitentiary where I will serve hard time with murderers, rapists, thieves and former congressmen.

Dear Mr. Burnside,
We know how much you enjoy your "physical therapy" each week at Pinky's Massage, Cigar & Lottery Lounge. As one of our very best customers we'd like to offer you a special opportunity. Four "therapy" sessions with Nurse Lotta Damp! Under our delayed gratification offer, your session fees won't be due for 3 months! And you don't have to shoot your whole wad to do it! All you have to come up with is a small processing fee of $55. Plus we'll whack off over 75% of our normal therapy price for those 4 sessions! What a climax to a fantastic deal! You can register for our deal quickly on our website...you'll be in and out in no time! Don't delay!*

*By accepting I agree to pay the $55 processing fee every week on top of the normal session fees for as long as I don't want my wife to find out I haven't been bowling every Thursday night for the last 12 years. If I miss a payment, photos of myself and Nurse Lotta Damp will be sent to my home addressed to my wife and a small child resembling me will show up at my door pitifully crying, "Are you my Daddy? Mommy told me you were my Daddy!"

Dear Bobby,
So, you've lost another tooth! We here at Tooth Fairy, Inc. are grateful to you for putting all your dental extractions under your pillow for redemption. We know those quarters we leave are saved with your allowance in that piggy bank your dad got you a couple years ago. But did you know those hard-earned quarters will be eaten up by inflation before you know it? Well, don't worry! We've got the answer! Because you've been such a good customer, you're invited to take part in our "you said a mouthful" plan! Here's how it works. You pull all your teeth at once and put them under your pillow, and we'll double your normal payment! It's how you can "take the bite out of inflation!"*

* By taking advantage of this offer I understand the excess payment is only a loan. I agree to repay the loan, with interest, at my convenience. However I also understand that no new teeth will be allowed to grow in my mouth until all monies due have been repaid, and that if the loan is not repaid, the solid foods I've grown accustomed to over the last few years will become but a memory and I'll be eating baby food for the rest of my life.

I think from now on I'll only be a bad customer to everyone I deal with. I can't afford to be a good one.