Judas, We Hardly Knew Ye!

by Paul Giles
May 16, 2006

When it was announced that the deserts of Egypt had yielded a leather-bound papyrus book titled, "The Gospel of Judas Iscariot" I jumped out of my leather-bound recliner, spraying my piping bowl of papyrus juice over the ossuary I was about to crack open. What would this lost text reveal about the man who, according to the New Testament, had betrayed Jesus to the high priests, to be judged by the Roman Pilate, scourged, crucified and, in the final indignity, memorialized in plastic on the dashboards of millions of cars?

While the official translation will not be completed and released for some time, I was able to secure a look at the codex through my connections at the National Geographic Society. Their subscriptions department often calls me for advice on important issues concerning lost civilizations and my overdue account. Though written in ancient Coptic, I am reasonably fluent in the language as my aunt, an ancient Copt, often told stories to me in that guttural but sudorific tongue. Thus was I able to produce for the first time anywhere what I believe is an accurate translation of Chapter IX of the "Gospel of Judas Iscariot."

9:1 - Thus it was that Jesus said unto Peter, Hey, Camel Blossom! Where art the other apostles?

9:2 - But Peter was sorely troubled. Lord! My name is Peter! Why do you call me Camel Blossom? It sounds so... fragrant.

9:3 - Jesus smiled unto Peter, saying, I call all my apostles by these clever names. You know, like I call Thomas the Doubter, and Matthew Tax Man, and James, him do I call the Epistle Pistol. Get it?

9:4 - No, said Peter, but whatever my Lord commands.

9:5 - Damn straight! Now, do me a Goliath and go find Scooter for me.

9:6 - Scooter, Lord? Said Peter, as he watched Jesus closely lest he produced another miracle like the loaves and the fishes or the tax cuts and increased spending that maketh greater revenues and surpluses.

9:7 - And Jesus said, I refer to Judas, him who I call Scooter! My main apostle. I call him Scooter for he is always scooting around spreading the word of my father, God. Though after tonight I'm the one in the family all shall remember. And Peter answered, You think?

9:8 - So it came to pass that Scooter Iscariot came unto Jesus, and said unto him, Lord! What troubleth thee? Are the Persians denying your holiness? Is your name cursed in Damascus? Speak, that I might smite thine enemies!

9:9 - But the Lord said, I'll get around to smiting the Persians soon enough, for they vex me sorely.

9:10 - And Scooter said, Oh, Lord! You have every justification to smite the unbelievers. And we, your chosen apostles, say all your actions are sanctified by Heaven! What reason shall we give for smiting them.

9:11 - The usual one, said the Lord, But that is not why I summoned you. You must hear now what I have to say to you into your ear only.

9:12 - Thus did his Lord lay it on Scooter: You are the only one that hath my complete trust. You remember what I said yesterday at that Last Supper? By the way, your share of the tab is 12 shekels. Anyway, you remember?

9:13 - Yes, Lord. You told us to eat of thy body and drink of thy blood, though when we found you weren't being literal, we all were exceeding happy.

9:14 - Right. Imagine how I felt. But I said one of you would betray me, and yet all of you said, "Not I, Lord! Not I!' But Scooter, I need you to betray me.

9:15 - Scooter Iscariot was sore amazed, protesting, Lord! I could never betray you! And Jesus then said, You must, for in doing so you will help to save all of mankind.

9:16 - And Scooter Iscariot began to be puzzled, and to be very heavy. Wow, that's heavy, said Scooter. How shall I betray thee?

9:17 - And Jesus said unto him, You must go to the High Priest, Caiaphas, who I call Fitzy, and say unto him, It was I, Scooter, who spread the word that the cold-hearted Jezebel, Plame, is a harlot, but I was only following orders!

9:18 - Now Scooter's brain felt as a pomegranate would that hath been sat upon by an ass, and answered, How will that save mankind?

9:19 - My friend, said the Lord, it is simple. By saying you did my bidding, you confess to the crime. Thy fellow apostles and I will deny thee, and there shall be no smoking sling to put the lie to our words. Only then will I be free to smite mine enemies the Persians, the Damascans and the Liberalites.

9:20 - And Scooter asked Jesus, Why me, Lord? And his Lord did answer, Because you are my favorite, and this special knowledge I will trust only to you. Besides, Peter, my Vice Lord, is in enough trouble for accidentally running a sword through a scribe on a hunting trip and his heart is burdened.

9:21 - But Judas had doubts, saying, Lord, will not I be damned unto a thousand generations for this dark betrayal? Will my name not be dragged through the mud of the centuries with cries of infamy?

9:22 - This made Jesus angry, saying, What is mud and infamy compared to the weight of the world I have on my shoulders? Now I must leave, for I'm due for another vacation down by the Sea of Galilee and would not miss the season.

9:23 - And Scooter Iscariot was humbled, saying, I shall do all that you ask, my Lord. I shall go unto Caiaphas, who you call Fitzy, and I shall betray thee with a kiss.

9:24 - But the Lord said, Whoa! I'm pro-family! No male-on-male kissing here, or I must needs change your name to Brokeback! Now go!

9:25 - And Scooter turned to leave and do the bidding of his Lord. And as he left he heard the encouraging words of Jesus call unto him, Hey, Jude! Don't let me down!

9:26 - Thus it was that Judas "Scooter" Iscariot betrayed Jesus that he might save mankind.

9:27 - Yet even with his Holy plan, the Lord Jesus was crucified in the writings of the Judean Post, and Scooter Iscariot deemed it to be good.