I'm Shy, But Not Retiring

by Paul Giles
February 7, 2007

Most of us HalfSquares are at the age when we're thinking about retirement. Unfortunately, according to recent studies we should have been thinking about retirement 30 years ago. We probably would have, if all our thoughts weren't consumed by having as much casual sex, pot and beer we could get our hands on. I mean, there's nothing that will kill the mood of an anonymous encounter in the back of a VW van faster than the question, "Do you think I'm putting enough cash into the stock market to maximize my returns and build up a secure nest egg that will carry me until death?" Try getting all that out between hits on the roach you saved for the occasion.

Now it's time to play financial catch up, at least for a lot of us. My revelation came when I saw a questionnaire in the newspaper last year about retirement. You filled in the blanks, did some calculations, then looked at a chart to see how much you'd have to save each year to retire at 67. My figures showed that to retire I'd have to save 100% of my income, my wife's and three cousins' before taxes. And that's the three cousins with good jobs, not the ones who put a quarter in the newspaper machine, steal the entire stack and then sell them in traffic to commuters driving by.

Something had to be done. I pulled out the statements I get every month from my financial institutions. Tossing the ones marked "Overdue - Pay Immediately Or Else," I decided to add up my net worth. First my 401(k). What I discovered was that I actually have a 911(k). That's a retirement fund that's bleeding profusely and phoning desperately for help. I realized I'd have been in better shape if I'd paid attention to all the literature I'd received from my employer telling me they'd match my tax-free contributions dollar for dollar up to 6% of my yearly gross income. Those notices were too hard to understand. I usually got confused right after the part that said, "Dear Investor..."

I had contributed so little, my last statement showed that at retirement I'd owe money to my account every month, with interest accruing daily at 50% if I didn't pay. That's what I get for confusing the Vanguard Mutual Family of Funds with the Vantucci Mafia Family of Funds. I should have known something was wrong when I read their motto. "Worried about growing old? With Vantucci, you can forgeddaboutit!" Never trust a fund whose logo is a guy with the head of a bull in his bed.

When I included the equity in our house, checking accounts, savings accounts and the $2.78 in coins I managed to find in the cushions of the couch, I discovered my couch's net worth is bigger than mine. Lousy couch. Sure. It doesn't have to provide for a family of four. It just has to provide a place for us to sit.

The whole thing is scary. I don't want to be one of those old guys in blue vests waiting for someone to walk in so they can say, "Welcome to Wal-Mart." I've no idea how they can always be so cheerful. They're 86 and working at a minimum-wage job! I'm pretty sure when I pass one of them on the way to sporting goods he's thinking, "Smug little bastard! Back in the Big One I'd have gutted you like a fish with my bayonet!"

So I decided to start saving and really economize. First, I began contributing the maximum percentage of my salary allowable under law to my 401(k). If I did that, the calculator said, I could retire comfortably at 108, or uncomfortably at 101. Any time earlier and I'd have to retire in excruciating pain. There was some hope. I can still retire at 67 if I keep up my salary contributions and get a raise. Oh, around 400% starting tomorrow. I asked my boss and she said she'd do it if I could work four full shifts a day. I told her, "You expect me to work 52 hours a week?" That's when she said she understood why I wasn't good with money.

I then thought I could always fall back on my Social Security checks, but everyone says the system is in trouble, and there may not be enough money to pay us what we hoped to get. One reason is that there are only 3 young people working now and contributing to support every future retiree. I'd like to know where they got that figure of 3 young people working. My kids don't have jobs and I've been supporting them for more than 20 years. I'd love it if for once some young people would support me. Hell, I don't care if it's only one young person. I just want to be the one getting supported for a change.

Bottom line: if Social Security is still around when I retire, if I contribute to my 401(k) and if I save more, I won't be able to maintain my current lifestyle, but I will be able to afford cans of Fancy Feast instead of the cheaper Friskies. That's for me to eat, not my cats. They don't care about retirement. They sleep most of the day. I wonder if when I die I can come back as a cat?